If you want a better way to discipline without emotion, avoiding yelling, hitting, or spanking a child, then here’s a smart way to remove yourself from the drama and stress of disciplining toddlers and older children with consequence and rewards jars.
As a stay at home mom of two children, ages 6 and 2 years, I’m no stranger to the laundry list of ways children push buttons and misbehave. It’s often impossible to discipline without emotion.
I don’t care what people say about a child’s comfort level and that they test the person they’re with the most… it’s exhausting! Honestly, it doesn’t help me to know they test me more because they’re with me more. It just makes me want to add to the whining and crying in the house.
I’ll admit, fully, that there are some really dark times I yell at my children. And, it’s been compounded with the addition of the second child.
Motherhood can be difficult. Probably more so than any one of us could have imagined. And, if you’re anything like me, you find yourself guilty over some (or many) aspects of your parenting.
Disciplining through emotions and yelling have been two of the things I regret most. How can I teach my children to be in control of their emotions if I struggle with it myself?
Over the past year, I’d worked hard to get my oldest to behave, trying nearly everything in the books. Talking “logically,” counting to three, offering a choice between two punishments, and spanking. When it felt as though nothing was working, I resorted to yelling.
Yelling …. because that works.
And I wasn’t above doling out ridiculous consequences in the midst of my anger, either.
At some point, I finally realized a few things I was doing wrong in the discipline process. Part of the problem was that I allowed too many emotions to get into the mix. I had to learn how to discipline without emotion!
This is how I improved the emotional state of our disciplinary processes, regained control, and reduced the yelling.
Keys to Discipline Without Emotion
If you’re tired of getting nowhere with discipline, try these steps on a path to discipline without emotion.
Keep Your Emotions in Check
What I learned while using the consequence and reward jar system (described in more detail below) is that part of my daughter’s bad behavior was my fault.
I’d become overwhelmed with motherhood. I was tired of the crying and her acting out around me. And, to be honest, I began to see every act of disobedience as something that needed to be punished immediately.
But, I’d forgotten to have fun. My bad attitude was being reflected through my daughter, and I was creating some of the problems myself.
Part of keeping your emotions in check include making sure you’ve spent quality time with your kids, enjoying each others’ presence, and trying to take a moment regularly to laugh as a family.
Decide on House Rules
Deciding, with your spouse, the house rules you both wish to enforce will make it easier to parent as a team and know when it’s appropriate to require your child to pull a consequence from the consequence jar. Clearly discussed house rules and expectations ensure that everyone is on the same page.
If you’d like a House Rules printable, along with other parenting resources, I’d love for you to join the SAHM, plus… newsletter! You’ll receive instant access to a resource library full of resources including House Rules and a printable consequence jar list.
Set up a Consequence Jar
When I first began this idea of using consequence and reward jars, I simply listed age-appropriate consequences for my child. I listed ones we already used and searched the internet for other consequences other moms were using to help with behavior modification.
Once I had a list of consequences I thought were good, I cut them out and put them into a consequence jar. My jar was just an old cleaned out spaghetti sauce jar and I roughly labeled it with peel and stick chalkboard vinyl.
A few consequence ideas include vacuum the couch, clean the coffee table, no electronics for a day, and go to bed 15 minutes early.
Check out this post with consequence jar ideas if you’d like even more ideas.
Whenever my child breaks a house rule or otherwise are in need of correction, she has to pull a consequence from the consequence jar.
Remembering to send your child to the consequence jar immediately will reduce YOUR emotional investment in the disciplinary process and allow you to remain calm. It’s also a great way to help reduce power struggles.
Set Up a Reward Jar
Using a reward jar is as important as the consequence jar.
You can take some attention off the bad days and physically recognize the good days. Just as you’re trying to discipline without emotion, you need to recognize and reward your child for being good. A reward jar will increase the good emotions for the family.
I used two more old, cleaned up glass jars and placed craft pom poms in one. We used roughly 36 pom poms. Label one of them “Reward Jar” and the other “Empty Me” or come up with something more clever if it suits you.
If your child doesn’t have to pull a consequence for the day, they will be allowed to place one of the pom poms into the reward jar. Additionally, your child can earn a reward ball for an extraordinary act of kindness or generosity that you catch.
When your child fills their reward jar, allow them to choose a fun reward.
It doesn’t have to be a physical item because, Lord knows, most kids have more stuff than they need. We choose to allow our daughter the choice of a family activity like going to a museum, choosing a special dinner, a bounce house, or going out for a special treat. Because she fills hers up in about a month, bigger activity rewards are feasible.
Again, the reward jar is completely up to you how you see fit to use it! If you need to reward more often, find a smaller jar and use fewer pom poms.
Let me first make it clear that our Consequence and Reward Jar system works for us, but it isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach. Luckily, with a little thought, you can customize our processes to suit your own needs. But, I guarantee, with practice, this will result in less yelling on your part.
So long as I remember, the consequence jar allows me to be consistent in punishment. Yes, that means it takes practice when you’re so used to doling out a consequence on the fly.
When we’re out of the house, it’s really hard to remember the jar. But, when I do, punishment is swift and consistent.
Consistency is key to maintaining an effective disciplinary system. Kids are smart and, whether or not we like to admit it, they catch when we vary our approach in any way. My daughter called me out on it one day … “if it was so bad, why didn’t I have to pull a consequence?”
Guys, whatever it was that day, I totally forgot to follow through with discipline, and she kind of gloated about getting away with whatever it was she’d done. WHOOPS!
It isn’t easy to discipline without emotion. Believe me when I say that I’m still struggling with my strong negative emotions and I’ve been using this system for a couple years! I become emotionally worn out with two kids squabbling. They take turns whining throughout the day. And, my attention is almost constantly being diverted from one thing to the next. Sometimes, I feel that’s all I do is chase a moment of peace throughout the day and it gets to me.
I get angry. And then I feel guilty.
I have to remind myself that I’m a good mom …. I just hit a breaking point. All I can do is apologize and try harder next time.
Recognize what set you off, make a mental note, and apologize to yourself and your children.
The consequence and reward jar system has been a highly effective approach to reducing dramatics and better discipline without emotion (at least on my part). What I love most about it is that it’s highly adaptable for various ages. You decide on age-appropriate consequences and when/if one of them no longer seems appropriate, you switch it up.
My husband and I can do regular check-ins on the system to discuss what we like or dislike and adapt it to fit our needs anytime.
Best of all, it’s continually helping me learn to discipline without emotion. It’s reduced power struggles and often results in fewer instances I feel I need to yell. And, I feel as though my daughter takes the responsibility of her consequences much more seriously because, essentially, she’s doling them out to herself.
I think it’s also more intimidating to her because she doesn’t know if she’ll simply have to vacuum the couch or if the consequence will be as bad as losing electronics for a day.
Ivy is a married, sorta crunchy mother of two high-needs kids – fully supporting natural birth, baby wearing, and breastfeeding. But, as a mom realizes life isn’t black and white – we do what we think is best for ourselves and our families and that trumps what anyone thinks is right for us. She offers realistic, honest advice for parents, marriage, and travel at her website SAHM, plus… You can follow her on Facebook | Pinterest | Twitter | Instagram.