Yesterday marked one month since Josh’s accident!
I think I can safely say it’s been the worst month in our marriage.
In the last month Josh has gone to the ER three times, with one overnight stay, has on-going pain, took various trips to doctors and specialists and has undergone numerous testing, plus he suffers emotional instability (he’s now on anti-depressants), has gained too much of the weight he worked so diligently to lose (thanks to his new sedentary lifestyle), has difficulty sleeping properly as he now sits up to sleep, and has not worked at all in the last month.
On top of Josh’s seemingly on-going list of problems, our girls have been sick for the last month as well, with bronchitis, vomiting, diarrhea, runny noses, and now an ear infection. Thankfully they are feeling happy again, something that definitely makes everything easier.
And then there’s me. While I miraculously have never caught any of the various sicknesses (even Josh had the bronchitis, which sucked since, oh, yeah, he broke his sternum so every cough caused him excruciating pain), and have generally been able to keep things together, it has been very hard, especially this last week. What Josh and I blissfully thought was the one really good thing to happen in all of this has ended too… I had a miscarriage at the 7 week mark Tuesday.
We found out we were pregnant with an early home pregnancy test the Saturday after the accident. Two weeks later we told my family at Thanksgiving the happy news that come about July 24th I should be having a baby (or two?!) even though I was only 5 weeks along. After confirming with the doctor and having a very early ultrasound that was too early to conclusively say if it was two or not (the only reason for the early ultrasound) we still managed to suffer a miscarriage at the beginning of week 7, after I was finally started to feel pregnant, i.e. bloated and gassy.
Miscarrying is pretty awful, especially the further out it is. It’s painful physically (bad cramping), and emotionally every time you go to the bathroom. For as awful as pregnancy can be, I’d take a pregnancy over a miscarriage any day. Josh and I want another baby, but don’t want another miscarriage.
The sad thing is that this was probably our third miscarriage in the last few months. The first two were only a few days after my expected period (week 4 of a pregnancy) and while hard, weren’t as painful since I didn’t feel pregnant yet, and we hadn’t told anyone we were expecting. The first time around the home pregnancy test only had a very faint plus so we aren’t sure if I was pregnant or not (so we have used digital ones since).
We don’t know what’s going on with me and why it seems I am not supposed to be having another baby right now. I really wish that if God didn’t want us to have another baby right now that he would just not let me conceive for a few months instead of letting me get pregnant again and again only to miscarry.
I am handling the loss fairly well. It’s always hard when I have to talk about it, because then I have to admit it happened and think about it. I understand that it happens, and to a surprisingly large number of women (two of my sister-in-laws, my sister, and several of my friends for example). I know God is in control of everything but it’s been a difficult month as you can see and sometimes it’s hard to see why all of this is happens, all at once, and to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m sure someday we will be able to look back at this time and more fully see all the blessings that came from this experience.
I am actually amazed at how well I have managed things despite everything that’s happened/happening. I guess I just choose to have faith that things will work out. I know they will somehow, some way. They always do. I have hope in God that he knows what he’s doing even when I don’t know why. As it says in Isaiah 55:8-9 (KJV):
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
One of my favorite scriptures, and my general motto in life is Proverbs 3:5-6 (KJV):
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
We are trying hard to acknowledge the hand of the Lord in even the small miracles and blessings we see in our lives:
We are thankful Josh isn’t worse. We’re grateful for Lisa and Alison because they bring us a crazy amount of joy (and will continue to be our only kids for at least a while longer). We are grateful for Josh’s parents being so close and Susan coming to help the first weekend.
We are grateful for the numerous times people watched our girls for various reasons over the last month. We are grateful for the many many people who are praying for us and thinking about us, for the cards we have received in the mail. We are grateful for the kind lady at Wal-mart.
We are grateful for the cars that have been loaned to us/continue to be loaned to us.
We are grateful we still were able to get family pictures taken, send out Christmas cards, and attend Thanksgiving with my family.
We are grateful for medical science, nurses, doctors, and various screening and tests. We are grateful for a good family doctor who calls and makes sure Josh is doing alright, and who takes his time with us and talks with us during our appointments. We are grateful for the opportunity we had in the hospital the first day to have the man next to us receive a priesthood blessing from the men that gave Josh one and grateful for priesthood blessings.
We are grateful for phone calls and emails. We are grateful for understanding employers and having a lawyer.
We are grateful the other family in the accident is okay. We are grateful it wasn’t Josh’s fault, however. We are grateful they were insured. Grateful we didn’t spend the money to fix our windshield. Grateful for credit cards (even though we curse them at times too).